Sunday, June 23, 2013

Part III: Because There's Depression

It's been a few days and on Monday was the first day that I wore the hearing aid for 8 hours but it was also relatively quiet, which made it easier. No construction at work, not a lot of people were in (working from home, mostly) and so overall, it was just easier to have it in. At the end of the work day, I took it off to go home and then when I got home, I put it back in. Some friends came over, a jolly good time was starting to be had and then, I couldn't handle it anymore.

I had taken Kona (hearing aid) off but it felt like it was still in. And everything was loud. Too loud even, to the point where I couldn't distinctly hear anything. Everything was just this massive jumble and I strained so hard to just hear things clearly. My senses or whatever I used to rely on was (and still is) trying to sort through all the extra information. There's too much information coming in and that's not really dependent on whether or not I'm wearing the hearing aid sometimes.

Wednesday, June 19th

Let's talk a bit about the depression. So I go in and out of depression fairly regularly and I hadn't mentioned this to my audiologist (not that I needed to). She did however hint that it would be overwhelming when I got the hearing aid and that at times it might be tough, but I needed to stick with it if I wanted to be successful.

So I've been trying to stick with it as best I can, but it's been tough. I get flustered at times and I'll take of the hearing aid, but then I feel then there feels like there's too much to process. When I put in the hearing aid, I have to reduce the other information that I'm taking in. I don't need to read lips or focus on body language but then I have to deter those processes that are quite normal for me and then focus instead on blocking out the new background sounds I'm hearing as well as focus on the new sounds I should be hearing. (Not sure, if that makes sense, but I'm going with it).

My depression has always been weird, but the sound imbalance and things I need to "learn" and things that I can't "unlearn" (more on that in a bit) means that my depression has been very difficult. There's been a notable uptake in my wine consumption and a whole lot of crying (not just about the hearing aid, but other things that I'm generally sad about).

About the "unable to unlearn" part, because I don't wear my hearing aid all of the time (and supposedly, nor should I), I can't just not read lips, decipher body language, or learn the natural rhythm of someone's voice -- I have to learn when to trade different skills for when it's in versus not. Hence the frustration.

Last night I went to a friend's wedding reception and early on in the night, I couldn't configure the hearing aid right and then part of it just popped out and I couldn't get it back in. I spent a good part of the night fighting with it and not very many people know that I have a hearing aid so it must have looked odd to see my continually meddling with my ear.

I'm working on it though but obviously there are still a lot of things to contend with. But I'm trying, I assure you. There's a part of me that gets overwhelmed, cries into the pillow, and feels that this isn't worth it. After all, I spent many years never really being troubled by this so why should it matter now? We'll see...

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